Articles
These are articles written by Chesley Swanson. To read a full article, click on the title
or the “read more” link at the bottom of each intro paragraph.
Parenting: More Than Conceiving and Giving Birth
by Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW
Who are the best parents and what qualities do they possess? Through my life, work, and experience, I have come to understand that being a parent and parenting a child or children encompasses a great deal more than physically conceiving and giving birth. The concept of parenting can be seen from a much broader point of view. In the American Heritage dictionary among the definitions of parent we find:
Collaborative Divorce: Team Model Better Outcomes for Families
by Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW
If you or anyone you know wants to end a marriage with minimal emotional damage to the family, I suggest serious consideration of collaborative divorce. A simple explanation of collaborative divorce is: “A highly structured process in which to express and resolve conflict without going to court”. Two of the web sites that have a more thorough explanation of collaborative divorce and a list of local attorneys, mental health professionals and financial professionals are www.collablawtexas.org and www.Divorcenet.com . My intention is to give information about what Texas collaborative professionals call “The Texas Model” of collaborative divorce. Texas collaborative professionals are dedicated and available to assist divorcing couples to successfully restructure their lives, so as to minimize the potential negative effects of divorce. .
Parenting Coordination is a Good Choice for Separating or Divorcing Parents
By Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW
What Are The Negative Effects of Divorce on Children?
Most children are confused, afraid, hurt, sad, angry, and anxious when they sense or are told about their parents’ divorce. Interestingly, these are the same emotions that their parents often experience during the divorce process. It is no secret that there are many possible negative effects children experience both during and after a divorce. These negative effects are exacerbated when parents are fighting over “custody” and minimized when parents make parental decisions together, out of sincere concern for their children’s needs. The list of potential negative effects is long and includes:
Marriage Counseling When Divorce Has Been Considered
By Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW
Marriage counseling is an attempt to help a couple resolve any number of types of problems they may be having in their marriage, and to empower them to go forward and have a more successful relationship. No matter what combination of problems, couples seek counseling to get a better understanding of what has gone wrong in their marriage. Throughout a marriage it is common for resentment due to unresolved issues to build up to such an extent that one or both partners may feel hopeless enough to consider divorce as an option. Frequently, by the time a married couple decides to seek professional help; they have so much resentment built up to such a high level that their issues are much more difficult to resolve, if not impossible. This does not mean that the marriage can not be restored. Although one or both partners may think that seeking marriage counseling is an admission of failure, marriage counseling can help a couple rebuild or restore their relationship.
Resonance Repatterning: A Therapist’s Perspective
By Chesley C. Swanson, LMSW
Resonance Repatterning, formally called Holographic Repatterning was developed by Chloe Faith Wordsworth with the goal of creating a higher state of coherence for anyone seeking to do so. With a higher state of coherence one can experience a higher state of energy, harmony, and success in all areas of life; and feel more loving, joyful, centered, and empowered. In a lower state of coherence one may feel powerless, overwhelmed, and even hopeless. No matter what framework utilized as a therapist or what terms used to describe my efforts, I have always tried to facilitate client’s movement to a higher state of coherence.
Divorce Mediation: Behind the Conflict:
A Workable Compassionate Resolution
Divorce mediation by definition is a form of alternative dispute resolution (ADR). Simply stated it is done with an impartial third party who assists the divorcing couple in negotiating thoughtful agreements about how they will separate their assets and how they will co-parent their children through the years after the divorce, instead of asking a judge to decide their fate. Divorce mediation is not family therapy; however a divorcing couple may benefit from utilizing a trained family mediator who also has therapeutic skills and an understanding of family systems, communication, diversity issues, and the dynamics of relationships.
A divorcing couple will most likely get a more compassionate and workable outcome from a mediation style referred to as interest based negotiations. In contrast to the more traditional positional approach to mediation, interest based negotiations takes into consideration the long range goals and the interests behind probable positions, as well as compassionately addressing the concerns of both spouses.
Spouses who are divorcing often tend to be positional and on occasion attempt to pull in family and friends to “rescue” them from their spouse. As well as the dynamic of triangulation; some strong unwanted emotions such as fear, pain, resentment, anger and anxiety will be present in a discussion between divorcing spouses about what is to come of what they have created together in the marriage. Even though deep healing and analysis for each spouse is best done in therapy, a brief acknowledgement and normalization of negative emotions without dwelling on them, by a professional trained both in divorce mediation and family dynamics can be a constructive catalyst toward solutions that serve both spouses and their children. Once triangulation and unwanted emotions are acknowledged and normalized, the spouses are more likely to be able to move on and focus on the goals of the mediation process. Also a professional with this combination of training will be able to ascertain when a longer break than a few minutes is most beneficial for the process.
Although it is important to have realistic expectations about plans for the spouses and children’s lives after the divorce, both parents and children of divorce have needs and desires which are important to explore in decision making about their futures. When the divorce mediator allows divorcing spouses to make these needs and desires, as well as the interests of all concerned a priority in their negotiations; the outcome is more likely to be more successful and less costly.
Traditional war like divorces can not only be financially draining but also emotionally damaging to the family. Once children are involved the potential damage is magnified. Even though divorcing spouses might not like to face the fact; once a couple has children, they are bound for the rest of their lives. While children are growing up, they have many situations in which it is best for both parents to be involved to some extent, such as medical and educational decisions. Thousands and thousands of dollars of families’ financial resources are not only spent fighting in the court system over the couple’s property, but also about issues regarding their children. This practice is not only costly financially and psychologically to the adults, but also detrimental to their children’s emotional wellbeing.
Utilizing a divorce mediator who uses interest based negotiation techniques even when the couple first makes their decision to divorce and before making any filings in the court system, is a way to circumvent excessive costs and potential emotional damage. Mediation with a trained mediator who also has therapeutic training is potentially even more beneficial for the family.
Select the type of Professional you need